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عرض كامل الموضوع : (the best story of my storys(beyond darkness



under-darkness
16-06-2006, 14:10
plz read this a story plz plz:بكاء: :بكاء: :بكاء: :بكاء: :بكاء: :بكاء:
By: selham al naimi
Beyond
Darkness



10:30pm high school (manmory's school) Tokyo

A girl is running in the science hall she was wearing a blue t-shirt and a blue skirt she looks around her she hears footsteps coming closer to her she opens the science class room she enters in she looks around her she saw a table she hides under it there was a little empty space that she can see from it what's going on in the room
Suddenly the door opens she can see from the empty space a feet's of a man walking in the room there was some mud on his feet the mud was dropping making footsteps on the ground the man looks around him the girl was just trying to take breath the man screams saying (come out were ever you are)
The girl starts to cry more and more in a low voice
She looked around her for anything sharp so she can kill the man
Suddenly she saw a pensile she tried to get it
But she couldn't so she crawled to get it
The man just stops looking around him and screaming
The girl picked up the pensile and ran out of the room the man saw her so he ran after her the girl was running as fast as she can she was running between the hallways just so she can lose the man
The girl enters bath room she thought it was a class room
She enters the room it was so dark she couldn't see what's in the room suddenly she hears a girls crying and even boys she looks from the window of the class that was on the door she saw the man was running in the other way she opened the light she looks around her she saw that she was in a bathroom she saw tow boys and four girls wearing a whit blanket all around them the kids were crying she looks around her suddenly she saw a man wearing a black tall coat he was covering his face with the coat the man pointed at the girl and said (its your time) the girl said what do you mean he said (its your time) she said stop saying that
The man came closer to the girl suddenly the kids jumped at the girl they holed her hand and her legs there eyes were black and dark the girl screamed (help)
The other man heard the girl so he ran to the bathroom
The other man holed the girl and touched her head
Suddenly the other man enters the bathroom he saw nothing he ran to the other room
The other man sucked the soul from the girl
The soul of the girl came out the soul of the girl was wearing a white blanket just like the other kids
The girl fall on the ground she fall on the toilet door then on the ground which mead a terrible sound that made the other man hear it
The other man heard the voice so he came running into the bathroom again he saw the girl dead on the ground
He screamed (I got you)
He came closer to the girl he toke off his pans he just started to have sex with the girl dead body
The girl soul was there watching everything
The girls body didn’t move at all because it was dead but the man didn’t knew that she was dead so he just continued rolling the girls dead body
The girl soul start to screams (stop it don’t do it)(leave me alone)
The soul of the girl was crying in the bathroom the man ho toke the soul of the girl was death he was the angle of death (losefr)
Losefr touched the girls hand and said lets go
The other man just continued (do you like that miss church or sister)
The girl was a sister ho was working in a church
Losefr was pulling the soul of the girl the start to screams and cry
Because the girl was a soul she can see the other things like devils demon and angels just like losefr she saw another man standing in the end of the bathroom
She said ho are you were did you come from
Losefr just continued pulling the girl the girl was screaming and crying
The third man ho was in the end of the bathroom heard the girl he started to scream and he was holding his head like something is hurting him
The man ho was playing with the girl dead body heard the scream of the third man he closed his pans and said ho is there the voice just continued getting higher and higher suddenly the doors just started to close and open and the man was looking around
The man felt there was something pulling him under
He looked at his feet suddenly he saw tow hand pulling him in the man was sucked into the ground
The soul of the girl screamed (oh my god what the hell is this what's happening)
The bathroom light just started to turn on and off
And the snicks are getting higher and higher
The water was on the ground filling the bathroom grounds the water was black
With some baby green color the green color was the color of the bathroom ground
Suddenly the room just got dark because the light turned off
Suddenly you can hear the girl's soul screaming




















Chapter 1



8:33am high school (manmory's school) Tokyo

The other day the doorman entered the bathroom he saw the girl dead on the ground he called the police the police said they will arrive after 2 hours
Because the school was in the middle of a desert
You think why people send there children there?
Because the school had such a great teaching level
The door man closed the school doors

10:55 am high school (manmory's school) Tokyo
The started to send the kids home
And the kids ho use the bus were taken to there houses
Except tow girls
Leshou
And
Miko
The girls got out of windows of the bus and ran to the school they entered the school
The tow girls were wearing the same uniform that the girl was wearing before she dies the tow girl broke the science class room window
They entered the room this room was the same room that the girl was hiding in before she dyed the girls looked around theme when they entered the room
Miko was the blond girl
And
Leshou was the red on brown hair
Miko was looking around suddenly she saw a mud foot steps she looked closely at it
Leshou said Miko look at this there are some foot steps on the ground
Miko said me I got one over here
Miko said why do you think they want to send home
Leshou looked at her with (I don’t know look)
Miko said lets go see
They opened the door
Miko said may be there having a séance time
Leshou said very funny but I don’t think they will do that
Miko said I think they will have sex teaching class
Leshou said oh whit I can hear something
The tow girls ran to the bathroom and saw the police hold a naked body of a girl dead girl
The bathroom was filled with water and on the ground
The girls clouts was raped on the ground
The girl was taken out side
Leshou pulled Miko so they can hid
Leshou said we can hid her
They hided in the end of the hall way
The girls continued to look Intel they got the girl out the body was covered with a white blanket
The girls saw the girl body while it was covered with the blanket
The girl looked at the body suddenly the girls dead hand came out of the blanket Miko
Holed leshou while she was crying
The girls hand was so blue

After an hour
Miko was drinking a cup of water then she said leshou ho do you think the girl was
Leshou said I don’t know but we should go to the bathroom and see what happened to the girl
The tow girl want to the bathroom little that they know that the way to the bathroom was the beginning of there end

under-darkness
16-06-2006, 14:12
if you like it plz tell me on m y e_mail



يمنع وضع الايميلات في المنتدى

under-darkness
16-06-2006, 16:40
this story is for the pepole ho are older then 18years old

king fawaz
17-06-2006, 03:48
very scary story

sHaDy G!Rl
17-06-2006, 14:00
السلام عليكم ورحمة الله وبركاته..

أخي under-darkness..

قرأت قصتك الجميلة ..
ولكن لدي بعض الملاحظات التي أتمنى من كل قلبي أن تتقبلها بصدر رحب كـ(نقد بناء)..


10:30pm high school (manmory's school) Tokyo
بداية رائعة..

لاحظت شيئاً في طريقة سرد القصة.. أنك لم تتخذ زمناً واحداً للقصة ففي معظم الكلمات استعملت الفعل (المضارع) وفي بعضها استعملت الفعل (الماضي) لماذا؟؟!!...

مثلاً:

A girl is running in the science hall she was wearing a blue t-shirt and a blue skirt she looks around her she hears footsteps coming closer to her
انظر إلى الأفعال التي استعملتها في هاذين السطرين السابقين..
running : Present continues
was wearin : Past continues
looks : Present Simple
hears : Present Simple

Here you used 3 deferent tens !! why

بإمكانك القول:
A girl is running in the science hall wearing a blue t-shirt and a blue skirt .She is looking around her, she is hearing footsteps coming closer to her
أو يمكنك استعمال التصريف الماضي للفعل فتكتب:
A girl was running in the science hall she was wearing a blue t-shirt and a blue skirt she looked around her she hared footsteps getting closer to her


ايضاً لاحظت أنك لم تستخدم أي من الكلمات الموصلة مثل (next - then - after that) انظر إلى هذه الجمل..

she hears a girls crying and even boys she looks from the window of the class that was on the door she saw the man was running in the other way she opened the light she looks around her she saw that she was in a bathroom she saw tow boys
she hears
she looks
she saw
she opened
she looks

she saw that she was in a bathroom she saw tow boys
??????????????

كما ذكرت .. انت تحتاج إلى التنويع في سرد القصة..


The man felt there was something pulling him under
He looked at his feet suddenly he saw tow hand pulling him in the man was sucked into the ground
رائعة جداًً .. أعجبني هذا المقطع..

ولكن هذا الجزء من القصة بحاجة إلى المزيد من التوضيح .. أكثرت من (the other man) حتى أصبحت لا أعلم من (the first man ) ومن (the second man) وثم جاء (third man) !!!

Too much

أكثرت من استعمال الكلمة ( Suddenly )

ثم هناك العديد من الأحداث الغير منطقية؟؟

the school was in the middle of a desert

Why? why will it be in the middle of a desert
It does'nt make sense at all!!


Suddenly the door opens she can see from the empty space a feet's of a man walking in the room there was some mud on his feet the mud was dropping making footsteps on the ground the man looks around him the girl was just trying to take breath the man screams saying (come out were ever you are)
The girl starts to cry more and more in a low voice
She looked around her for anything sharp so she can kill the man
Suddenly she saw a pensile she tried to get it
But she couldn't so she crawled to get it
The man just stops looking around him and screaming
The girl picked up the pensile and ran out of the room the man saw her so he ran after her the girl was running as fast as she can she was running between the hallways just so she can lose the man
أحداث رائعة جداً.. ومشوقة


they know that the way to the bathroom was the beginning of there end

Great ending

حاول أن تعيد صياغة القصة مرة ثانية وطبق الملاحظات التي ذكرتها ستجد أن القصة اصبحت أكثر روعة مما هي عليه .. لديك الفكرة .. ولديك القدرة على الكتابة.. فلا تتخاذل..

نصيحتي لك: في المرة المقبلة تذكر أن تكتب التحذير (this story is for the pepole ho are older then 18years old) قبل سرد القصة..

شكراً على المجهود الرائع في كتابة هذه القصة .. وبانتظار جديدك..

اعتذر للإطالة..

sHaDy G!Rl

Siseelia 99
26-09-2006, 09:22
i read the story but it is for people over 18 , i want you to complete it , please

Siseelia 99
26-09-2006, 09:23
and i agree you Shady girl