مشاهدة النتائج 1 الى 7 من 7
  1. #1

    تحقيق أو نبذه او قصه (the best story of my storys(beyond darkness

    plz read this a story plz plzcry cry cry cry cry cry
    By: selham al naimi
    Beyond
    Darkness



    10:30pm high school (manmory's school) Tokyo

    A girl is running in the science hall she was wearing a blue t-shirt and a blue skirt she looks around her she hears footsteps coming closer to her she opens the science class room she enters in she looks around her she saw a table she hides under it there was a little empty space that she can see from it what's going on in the room
    Suddenly the door opens she can see from the empty space a feet's of a man walking in the room there was some mud on his feet the mud was dropping making footsteps on the ground the man looks around him the girl was just trying to take breath the man screams saying (come out were ever you are)
    The girl starts to cry more and more in a low voice
    She looked around her for anything sharp so she can kill the man
    Suddenly she saw a pensile she tried to get it
    But she couldn't so she crawled to get it
    The man just stops looking around him and screaming
    The girl picked up the pensile and ran out of the room the man saw her so he ran after her the girl was running as fast as she can she was running between the hallways just so she can lose the man
    The girl enters bath room she thought it was a class room
    She enters the room it was so dark she couldn't see what's in the room suddenly she hears a girls crying and even boys she looks from the window of the class that was on the door she saw the man was running in the other way she opened the light she looks around her she saw that she was in a bathroom she saw tow boys and four girls wearing a whit blanket all around them the kids were crying she looks around her suddenly she saw a man wearing a black tall coat he was covering his face with the coat the man pointed at the girl and said (its your time) the girl said what do you mean he said (its your time) she said stop saying that
    The man came closer to the girl suddenly the kids jumped at the girl they holed her hand and her legs there eyes were black and dark the girl screamed (help)
    The other man heard the girl so he ran to the bathroom
    The other man holed the girl and touched her head
    Suddenly the other man enters the bathroom he saw nothing he ran to the other room
    The other man sucked the soul from the girl
    The soul of the girl came out the soul of the girl was wearing a white blanket just like the other kids
    The girl fall on the ground she fall on the toilet door then on the ground which mead a terrible sound that made the other man hear it
    The other man heard the voice so he came running into the bathroom again he saw the girl dead on the ground
    He screamed (I got you)
    He came closer to the girl he toke off his pans he just started to have sex with the girl dead body
    The girl soul was there watching everything
    The girls body didn’t move at all because it was dead but the man didn’t knew that she was dead so he just continued rolling the girls dead body
    The girl soul start to screams (stop it don’t do it)(leave me alone)
    The soul of the girl was crying in the bathroom the man ho toke the soul of the girl was death he was the angle of death (losefr)
    Losefr touched the girls hand and said lets go
    The other man just continued (do you like that miss church or sister)
    The girl was a sister ho was working in a church
    Losefr was pulling the soul of the girl the start to screams and cry
    Because the girl was a soul she can see the other things like devils demon and angels just like losefr she saw another man standing in the end of the bathroom
    She said ho are you were did you come from
    Losefr just continued pulling the girl the girl was screaming and crying
    The third man ho was in the end of the bathroom heard the girl he started to scream and he was holding his head like something is hurting him
    The man ho was playing with the girl dead body heard the scream of the third man he closed his pans and said ho is there the voice just continued getting higher and higher suddenly the doors just started to close and open and the man was looking around
    The man felt there was something pulling him under
    He looked at his feet suddenly he saw tow hand pulling him in the man was sucked into the ground
    The soul of the girl screamed (oh my god what the hell is this what's happening)
    The bathroom light just started to turn on and off
    And the snicks are getting higher and higher
    The water was on the ground filling the bathroom grounds the water was black
    With some baby green color the green color was the color of the bathroom ground
    Suddenly the room just got dark because the light turned off
    Suddenly you can hear the girl's soul screaming




















    Chapter 1



    8:33am high school (manmory's school) Tokyo

    The other day the doorman entered the bathroom he saw the girl dead on the ground he called the police the police said they will arrive after 2 hours
    Because the school was in the middle of a desert
    You think why people send there children there?
    Because the school had such a great teaching level
    The door man closed the school doors

    10:55 am high school (manmory's school) Tokyo
    The started to send the kids home
    And the kids ho use the bus were taken to there houses
    Except tow girls
    Leshou
    And
    Miko
    The girls got out of windows of the bus and ran to the school they entered the school
    The tow girls were wearing the same uniform that the girl was wearing before she dies the tow girl broke the science class room window
    They entered the room this room was the same room that the girl was hiding in before she dyed the girls looked around theme when they entered the room
    Miko was the blond girl
    And
    Leshou was the red on brown hair
    Miko was looking around suddenly she saw a mud foot steps she looked closely at it
    Leshou said Miko look at this there are some foot steps on the ground
    Miko said me I got one over here
    Miko said why do you think they want to send home
    Leshou looked at her with (I don’t know look)
    Miko said lets go see
    They opened the door
    Miko said may be there having a séance time
    Leshou said very funny but I don’t think they will do that
    Miko said I think they will have sex teaching class
    Leshou said oh whit I can hear something
    The tow girls ran to the bathroom and saw the police hold a naked body of a girl dead girl
    The bathroom was filled with water and on the ground
    The girls clouts was raped on the ground
    The girl was taken out side
    Leshou pulled Miko so they can hid
    Leshou said we can hid her
    They hided in the end of the hall way
    The girls continued to look Intel they got the girl out the body was covered with a white blanket
    The girls saw the girl body while it was covered with the blanket
    The girl looked at the body suddenly the girls dead hand came out of the blanket Miko
    Holed leshou while she was crying
    The girls hand was so blue

    After an hour
    Miko was drinking a cup of water then she said leshou ho do you think the girl was
    Leshou said I don’t know but we should go to the bathroom and see what happened to the girl
    The tow girl want to the bathroom little that they know that the way to the bathroom was the beginning of there end


  2. ...

  3. #2

    if you like it plz tell me on m y e_mail

    يمنع وضع الايميلات في المنتدى
    اخر تعديل كان بواسطة » جين أوستين في يوم » 10-09-2011 عند الساعة » 04:51

  4. #3

  5. #4

  6. #5
    السلام عليكم ورحمة الله وبركاته..

    أخي under-darkness..

    قرأت قصتك الجميلة ..
    ولكن لدي بعض الملاحظات التي أتمنى من كل قلبي أن تتقبلها بصدر رحب كـ(نقد بناء)..

    10:30pm high school (manmory's school) Tokyo
    بداية رائعة..

    لاحظت شيئاً في طريقة سرد القصة.. أنك لم تتخذ زمناً واحداً للقصة ففي معظم الكلمات استعملت الفعل (المضارع) وفي بعضها استعملت الفعل (الماضي) لماذا؟؟!!...

    مثلاً:
    A girl is running in the science hall she was wearing a blue t-shirt and a blue skirt she looks around her she hears footsteps coming closer to her
    انظر إلى الأفعال التي استعملتها في هاذين السطرين السابقين..
    running : Present continues
    was wearin : Past continues
    looks : Present Simple
    hears : Present Simple

    Here you used 3 deferent tens !! why

    بإمكانك القول:
    A girl is running in the science hall wearing a blue t-shirt and a blue skirt .She is looking around her, she is hearing footsteps coming closer to her
    أو يمكنك استعمال التصريف الماضي للفعل فتكتب:
    A girl was running in the science hall she was wearing a blue t-shirt and a blue skirt she looked around her she hared footsteps getting closer to her


    ايضاً لاحظت أنك لم تستخدم أي من الكلمات الموصلة مثل (next - then - after that) انظر إلى هذه الجمل..
    she hears a girls crying and even boys she looks from the window of the class that was on the door she saw the man was running in the other way she opened the light she looks around her she saw that she was in a bathroom she saw tow boys
    she hears
    she looks
    she saw
    she opened
    she looks

    she saw that she was in a bathroom she saw tow boys
    ??????????????

    كما ذكرت .. انت تحتاج إلى التنويع في سرد القصة..

    The man felt there was something pulling him under
    He looked at his feet suddenly he saw tow hand pulling him in the man was sucked into the ground
    رائعة جداًً .. أعجبني هذا المقطع..

    ولكن هذا الجزء من القصة بحاجة إلى المزيد من التوضيح .. أكثرت من (the other man) حتى أصبحت لا أعلم من (the first man ) ومن (the second man) وثم جاء (third man) !!!
    Too much


    أكثرت من استعمال الكلمة ( Suddenly )

    ثم هناك العديد من الأحداث الغير منطقية؟؟
    the school was in the middle of a desert
    Why? why will it be in the middle of a desert
    It does'nt make sense at all!!

    Suddenly the door opens she can see from the empty space a feet's of a man walking in the room there was some mud on his feet the mud was dropping making footsteps on the ground the man looks around him the girl was just trying to take breath the man screams saying (come out were ever you are)
    The girl starts to cry more and more in a low voice
    She looked around her for anything sharp so she can kill the man
    Suddenly she saw a pensile she tried to get it
    But she couldn't so she crawled to get it
    The man just stops looking around him and screaming
    The girl picked up the pensile and ran out of the room the man saw her so he ran after her the girl was running as fast as she can she was running between the hallways just so she can lose the man
    أحداث رائعة جداً.. ومشوقة

    they know that the way to the bathroom was the beginning of there end
    Great ending

    حاول أن تعيد صياغة القصة مرة ثانية وطبق الملاحظات التي ذكرتها ستجد أن القصة اصبحت أكثر روعة مما هي عليه .. لديك الفكرة .. ولديك القدرة على الكتابة.. فلا تتخاذل..

    نصيحتي لك: في المرة المقبلة تذكر أن تكتب التحذير (this story is for the pepole ho are older then 18years old) قبل سرد القصة..

    شكراً على المجهود الرائع في كتابة هذه القصة .. وبانتظار جديدك..

    اعتذر للإطالة..

    sHaDy G!Rl
    سلام على الدنيا إذا لم يكن بها ... صديقاً صدوقاً صادق الوعد منصفاً

  7. #6

  8. #7

بيانات عن الموضوع

الأعضاء الذين يشاهدون هذا الموضوع

عدد زوار الموضوع الآن 1 . (0 عضو و 1 ضيف)

المفضلات

collapse_40b قوانين المشاركة

  • غير مصرّح لك بنشر موضوع جديد
  • غير مصرّح بالرد على المواضيع
  • غير مصرّح لك بإرفاق ملفات
  • غير مصرّح لك بتعديل مشاركاتك
  •  

مكسات على ايفون  مكسات على اندرويد  Rss  Facebook  Twitter